This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
