Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
