Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
How's work?
Spinning.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
there is glitter all over my balls
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
