Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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