I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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