Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
