Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
