I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
