I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
