i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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