it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
