I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
