i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
