i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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