Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
