Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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