thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
