really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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