Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
