I wanna bring you to show and tell
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
