Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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