Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
