i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
How does one acquire holy water?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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