Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
