i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
