bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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