Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
