Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Randomize