I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
So much Jack, so little girl.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Randomize
