two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
