rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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