OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
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