woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
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