my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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