Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Boobs are out for the taking
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
