made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Randomize
