I accidentally had phone sex last night
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
