Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Randomize
