Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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