don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
