I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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