I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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