I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
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Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
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She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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