DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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