i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
