Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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