she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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