the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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