that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
