new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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