If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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