On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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