I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
