please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
