You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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