Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
A bitchslap is in order.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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