by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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