I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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