How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
