Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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