Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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