She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
